Bleagh. Life is losing meaning for me.
I don't have something to be really passionate about! I need something which I can think about everyday - something I can look forward to!
If not, I'll be turning into a complete zombie soon. I'm already partially a zombie. Listless, tired, spiritless, emotionless and expressionless half the time.
I don't know what I can do about this. Maybe I'll finally give in and become a christian. That way I can think about God day and night and I can look for His companionship as and when I wish to.
But really, I'm not convinced. Which is really the reason why I still haven't become a christian even after trying to look at things from a christian perspective.
Right now, all I'm doing is appreciating life and enjoying all the simple pleasures of life.
I appreciate my every meal and am aware that lives had been taken to satisfy my hunger and need for protein. I will remember that the one who had to go through the pain and torture were the chicken and fish and not me and I'm grateful for my situation. I also appreciate that I am enjoying a proper meal 3 times a day when there could be people scouring the town for scraps to eat. Or even having to eat grass mixed with sawdust just to satisfy their hunger.
I appreciate my clothes and the fact that I have a shelter over my head. I could've been out in the open naked and drenched, infected and with plenty of scratches and cuts all over my body. But I'm not. And I appreciate that too.
I appreciate all the small little things that come my way. But still, that doesn't bring life to me. I'm still pretty much emotionless. Perhaps my over-appreciation of my situation is precisely why I'm not so affected by emotions. Anger and whining is needless when I'm perfectly taken care of. Being happy is something I can no longer grasp as I feel that I'm constantly happy since I'm so well taken care of. I can no longer even smile naturally when I respond to happy things.
And that's how I've become the zombie that I am. Expressionless and seemingly emotionless.
Hmmm... Does anything I typed above make any sense? I dunno. Maybe not. Haha. Nvm.
From my Past,
To my Future