It's 3am now. After reading Gina's June 2007 posts, I'm feeling the fear of death all over again.
It wasn't the first time I felt this fear and it probably won't be the last either.
The first time I felt death in such close proximity was during the few days right before my Grandma's demise and during my Grandma's funeral itself. That was sometime during my sec 2 End-of-Year holidays.
Lots of thoughts went through my mind at that point of time. After my days of sorrow, I vowed to treasure every second of my life and make good use of it. I was also obsessed with bringing pride to my Grandma, whether or not she is actually physically present to share my achievements. My emotions were strong and there was a unwavering determination to excel in everything that I do. Ever since then, I pushed myself to the limits, even when my physical body cannot take it anymore. Late nights, 2.4km runs, nothing can stop me for doing my best.
The second time was somewhere last year, when it was reported on the papers that a student actually died when his heart stopped beating after he completed his marathon. On top of that, he was a great runner, someone who would have no problem completing the run any other day.
That was a big shock to me. It suddenly occurred to me that for every 2.4km run that I overexerted myself (which was practically every run), I could have died. The feeling of death pervaded my body and left me numb. From then, I've learned that maybe there is more to life than pushing myself. A part of life is about taking things at a comfortable pace and maybe giving oneself some slack.
Next was when I heard about Peng Yi's condition sometime last year. Though I'm not exactly sure of the details, the rough picture was that he had something like a tumor or something and there was the possibility of him having a cancer. His nick indicated that things weren't going too well and he is going through a lot of suffering. His life is currently being threatened.
I felt the feeling of total loss and sadness after I heard about the news. But there's no way in which I can help him. Death is also something that I have to face sooner or later too, together with the pain and suffering.
Then came a personal experience. This happened not too long ago, sometime in February. I was stretching my back and tilting my head backwards one night when all of a sudden, there was this really sharp pain at the foot of the back of my neck somewhere along the spinal cord. A millisecond later, something like an electrical current shot to my brain and I felt the back of my left brain heating up. It was a really strange, painful and confusing moment. The pain and heat that I experienced was nothing like that of a headache, nor the rise in body temperature during a fever- it was the toasting of the brain. Everything felt numb, my vision was blurred and I thought I was going to die.
It didn't really felt like it was going to be for long. I thought perhaps my brain would overheat itself and I would die in a few more seconds. There wasn't anything I could do either. Random thoughts popped into my head. The first thought was the realisation that death can be so swift, it doesn't matter if it hurts or not, you will be gone before you can even get out of the confusion that you are in. The next thing that was randomly generated was that homework didn't matter anymore. Nor do anything else in this world. Cuz everything is disappearing. And this is not a dream, this is reality. And I want to die sleeping and enjoy my last moments on a bed. So half confused, I crawled to my bed and threw myself on it and stayed lying there hugging my pink pillow.
And well, obviously I didn't die, as you can see. The heat in my brain died down a while after I tried relaxing myself on the bed and prepared myself for death. I never knew why exactly those things happened that night, but the experience left me truly dumbfounded. I tried convincing myself then that nothing else other than pure enjoyment of life matters from that day on. But 30 minutes later after the experience, the feeling of reality kicks in and I realise that I'm still in the real world and things still has to be done.
Argh, ok, I think I digressed a lot. Now I'm totally off my original track. And now I'm tired. Will get back to topic in the next post...
From my Past,
To my Future
It wasn't the first time I felt this fear and it probably won't be the last either.
The first time I felt death in such close proximity was during the few days right before my Grandma's demise and during my Grandma's funeral itself. That was sometime during my sec 2 End-of-Year holidays.
Lots of thoughts went through my mind at that point of time. After my days of sorrow, I vowed to treasure every second of my life and make good use of it. I was also obsessed with bringing pride to my Grandma, whether or not she is actually physically present to share my achievements. My emotions were strong and there was a unwavering determination to excel in everything that I do. Ever since then, I pushed myself to the limits, even when my physical body cannot take it anymore. Late nights, 2.4km runs, nothing can stop me for doing my best.
The second time was somewhere last year, when it was reported on the papers that a student actually died when his heart stopped beating after he completed his marathon. On top of that, he was a great runner, someone who would have no problem completing the run any other day.
That was a big shock to me. It suddenly occurred to me that for every 2.4km run that I overexerted myself (which was practically every run), I could have died. The feeling of death pervaded my body and left me numb. From then, I've learned that maybe there is more to life than pushing myself. A part of life is about taking things at a comfortable pace and maybe giving oneself some slack.
Next was when I heard about Peng Yi's condition sometime last year. Though I'm not exactly sure of the details, the rough picture was that he had something like a tumor or something and there was the possibility of him having a cancer. His nick indicated that things weren't going too well and he is going through a lot of suffering. His life is currently being threatened.
I felt the feeling of total loss and sadness after I heard about the news. But there's no way in which I can help him. Death is also something that I have to face sooner or later too, together with the pain and suffering.
Then came a personal experience. This happened not too long ago, sometime in February. I was stretching my back and tilting my head backwards one night when all of a sudden, there was this really sharp pain at the foot of the back of my neck somewhere along the spinal cord. A millisecond later, something like an electrical current shot to my brain and I felt the back of my left brain heating up. It was a really strange, painful and confusing moment. The pain and heat that I experienced was nothing like that of a headache, nor the rise in body temperature during a fever- it was the toasting of the brain. Everything felt numb, my vision was blurred and I thought I was going to die.
It didn't really felt like it was going to be for long. I thought perhaps my brain would overheat itself and I would die in a few more seconds. There wasn't anything I could do either. Random thoughts popped into my head. The first thought was the realisation that death can be so swift, it doesn't matter if it hurts or not, you will be gone before you can even get out of the confusion that you are in. The next thing that was randomly generated was that homework didn't matter anymore. Nor do anything else in this world. Cuz everything is disappearing. And this is not a dream, this is reality. And I want to die sleeping and enjoy my last moments on a bed. So half confused, I crawled to my bed and threw myself on it and stayed lying there hugging my pink pillow.
And well, obviously I didn't die, as you can see. The heat in my brain died down a while after I tried relaxing myself on the bed and prepared myself for death. I never knew why exactly those things happened that night, but the experience left me truly dumbfounded. I tried convincing myself then that nothing else other than pure enjoyment of life matters from that day on. But 30 minutes later after the experience, the feeling of reality kicks in and I realise that I'm still in the real world and things still has to be done.
Argh, ok, I think I digressed a lot. Now I'm totally off my original track. And now I'm tired. Will get back to topic in the next post...
From my Past,
To my Future