Game Without an Aim

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Zombie

Bleagh. Life is losing meaning for me.

I don't have something to be really passionate about! I need something which I can think about everyday - something I can look forward to!

If not, I'll be turning into a complete zombie soon. I'm already partially a zombie. Listless, tired, spiritless, emotionless and expressionless half the time.

I don't know what I can do about this. Maybe I'll finally give in and become a christian. That way I can think about God day and night and I can look for His companionship as and when I wish to.

But really, I'm not convinced. Which is really the reason why I still haven't become a christian even after trying to look at things from a christian perspective.

Right now, all I'm doing is appreciating life and enjoying all the simple pleasures of life.

I appreciate my every meal and am aware that lives had been taken to satisfy my hunger and need for protein. I will remember that the one who had to go through the pain and torture were the chicken and fish and not me and I'm grateful for my situation. I also appreciate that I am enjoying a proper meal 3 times a day when there could be people scouring the town for scraps to eat. Or even having to eat grass mixed with sawdust just to satisfy their hunger.

I appreciate my clothes and the fact that I have a shelter over my head. I could've been out in the open naked and drenched, infected and with plenty of scratches and cuts all over my body. But I'm not. And I appreciate that too.

I appreciate all the small little things that come my way. But still, that doesn't bring life to me. I'm still pretty much emotionless. Perhaps my over-appreciation of my situation is precisely why I'm not so affected by emotions. Anger and whining is needless when I'm perfectly taken care of. Being happy is something I can no longer grasp as I feel that I'm constantly happy since I'm so well taken care of. I can no longer even smile naturally when I respond to happy things.

And that's how I've become the zombie that I am. Expressionless and seemingly emotionless.

Hmmm... Does anything I typed above make any sense? I dunno. Maybe not. Haha. Nvm.

From my Past,
To my Future

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Flu

Ah. I'm feeling unwell.

I've been down with flu since Friday night. And my condition's getting worse day after day. Here's what happened over the weekend.

Friday
Start of flu. Took flu medicine but slept really late. Like 12+... Dunno why I so stupid also.

Saturday
When I woke up I was already down with a really bad sore throat. Guess the flu medicine didn't work. My voice totally changed and my throat got lots of mucus. Despite all these, I went for a morning run with Kendrick. I think we might have easily covered 8km or so but it was generally quite relaxing.

During the run we passed by the teck whye campus where bpghs was during the PRIME. And we were feeling adventurous that day so we decided to enter the school compound to check it out. We climbed over the fence and loitered around the empty campus. We even attempted to try something rather dangerous. Haha. But we didn't in the end. Who knows, we could have ended up in the hospital if we tried it. I shall not elaborate too much.

Played a bit of bball after the run. Then I went home cuz I wasn't feeling too well. When I got home I realised that I was actually totally exhausted. So I told Charmaine that I might not be going for the rock climbing session later. And well, I ended up not going cuz I slept through the afternoon. I slept for so long that I missed lunch too.

Had dinner and used the com for a while. But I got sick of the com after a while. Did I mention that I get sick of the computer very easily nowadays? Anyways, that's the situation. So with that, I took my flu pill and went to sleep again.

Sunday
Woke up at 5 plus cuz I couldn't sleep anymore. I've been blowing my nose so much so that I used up one box of tissues that night. The rest of my family woke up at around 6 and made their final preparation for their trip to Genting. They left at aroundn 6.30 or so and left me all alone...

I whiled my time by singing songs till it was time to go meet my p5 girl. Her name's Sofina, btw. The 30min cycle to her place was really tough cuz I had to stop and blow my nose every few minutes and then find a bin to throw my tissue paper. But nonetheless, I don't mind the hassle. Sofina has become my source of motivation and devotion - I simply cannot miss any of my lessons with her. It's really like playing any RPG, you train your character until it's imba=ly strong. I think that's a bit like what I'm doing now, except that there's no restrictions to what I can do. I can make her skip levels, learn new skills in my own way and see her rapid improvement from week to week. Furthermore, I want to prove that there's really no limit to how much a child can learn as long as you believe in him/her. With all my aspirations on her, she's bound to be really imba in the future! Muahahaha!

Ok, I think I got a bit carried away. So anyway, I went to tutor her for 2 hours today and throughout the 2 hours I was blowing my nose as I was teaching her stuff. A bit embarrassing, I guess, but I'm glad Sofina's mother made me feel at ease. Today's lesson went as per planned and I'm looking forward to the next lesson! I think we're allowed to book out early on Wednesday. I'm thinking of conducting a lesson on Wednesday night after I've confirmed the book out time.

After the lesson, I came back and slept through the day. I woke up at 5 or so. My sore throat has recovered but for some reason, I'm feeling feverish. My eyes are tearing already. I wanted to go to the polyclinic to consult a doctor since it's free for NSFs but realised that polyclinics are closed on Sundays. Zzz...

I guess I'll go back to camp and see the MO tomorrow. Hope My situation doesn't get aggravated. Got to go now, time for dinner.

From my Past,
To my Future

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Weekend in a Nutshell

Here's my weekend in a nutshell before I go back to camp.

Actually nothing much happened.

I was supposed to meet up with this girl yesterday. At around 6.30pm. I've been thinking of her for the whole of last week too you know. I thought of her at night to a point of not being able to sleep so much so that I only had 4.5 hours of sleep instead of my usual 7.

Sadly, we couldn't meet. =(

So I had to spend the whole of yesterday reading manga and doing stupid stuff. Read Elfen Lied for the whole day and completed the series. And I thought about her at night too. So much that I couldn't sleep again.

But we got to meet up today! =)

Oh well, I'll tell more next week. Gotta go to camp le. If not will be late.

From my Past,
To my Future

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday SIS!!!

Haha. Today's my sis' 16th bday. Bought a cake for her with her at BPP. Chose a Bengawan Solo Chocolate Cake (sry, forgot the name already). It costs $28.80 and looks like the most value for money cake.

It was a bit late when we got home so we decided to just eat the cake asap before I go back to camp. So I went and got dressed for the photoshoot with the bday girl.

And something happened.

I don't know what exactly happened, maybe she got annoyed at dad. Or maybe it's mum. Maybe it's some misunderstanding between them. Maybe she thought no maggi mee. I don't know.

Sis became a bit moody and irritated in the few moments I went to change. Ok, maybe not a bit.

Mum asked me if I know why she's so unhappy. Then of course I stun and say I dunno la. Tried to know what happened but mum say she dunno also. Haiz. I also dunno how to handle upset girls. Especially an unhappy birthday girl on her bday. =/

So I also v sad lor. Cuz she was still quite happy when I was buying the cake with her. Then suddenly like that I also dunno how to make her happy.

Just hope that she can cheer up soon?

From my Past,
To my Future

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Back to Nee Soon Camp

I'll be on my way back to Nee Soon camp in a few minutes time. Let me just take this few minutes to update on what has happened for the past week.

Basically, the week has been mainly lectures and practicals for us. We learn about the various explosives and demolition stuff and then set them up in our practicals. Friday's our test. I think I did ok for it.

There's also the TSR test. It's basically about the safety regulations and all. Lots of the questions are about safety distances from the explosives. To pass you would need 90%. I got 90% on my first try, and most of the rest of my course mates failed even after a few tries. I guess I was lucky? Haha.

Oh, I took up a tuition assignment for a P5 girl this week too. It's for math. I'll keep the rate a secret. I'm taking her for 1.5 hours per week for now. I hope to push it to 2 hours cuz it'll be more worth it since travelling down is taking me almost 1.5 hours by itself. But that can wait till when I've proven myself. Lessons will start next week. Haha. This will be exciting. :)

Rode my bike to collect my JC notes from Kendrick today. Planning to revise my JC stuff in case I forget. I fell from my bike on the way back. More like flew rather than fell though. Cuz there was this family in front blocking the entire pavement. I kept ringing the bell and I thought they heard me when the boy at the back moved a little to the side. But unexpectedly the father in front didn't move away and I had to jam my brakes to avoid crashing into him. So I just flew la. Luckily I only had very minor scratches.

So there, I'm off to camp now.

From my Past,
To my Future

Monday, May 18, 2009

Laziness

Haha. Have been really lazy the last few days - lazing around starting from the time I booked out on Friday afternoon till now. Which is why I haven't been updating though there're 'happening' things.

Thursday-Friday
Ever had a time when you don't know if you're really living in reality or just having a very bad nightmare? Tonight was one such experience for me.

Starting from Kranji War Memorial, we marched all the way to Pasir Laba camp through the night and morning. Our march was a whooping 28 30km. And because our navigator got us lost twice, our 30km marched turned 30+km..

I don't think you really know how crazy the march is...

Seriously.

I know thirty might look like 30 to you but to me and the others who've been through the march it was more of
11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111,
222222222222222222222222222222222,
333333333333333333333333333333333,
........................
333333333333330000000000000000000.

Something like that. Except that we count those torturous 30km using our feet and through the duration of 8 hours.

And we marched all night like we've never marched before.

By the second checkpoint, I was rather demoralised already. Honestly. I might look like it was no kick and I can tell you that I'm feeling ok so far (relative to a lot of other ppl) but inside my mind I was thinking 'Oh gosh. This is not even half the march and I can start to feel the weight of the field pack already.' And that was bad news to me.

So I started sleep marching from that point onwards. Basically, sleep marching involves closing your eyes while marching (duh) and opening one or both of your eyes every 10 seconds or so to check on progress. Yep. But the thing about sleep marching is that though I close my eyes and am in a semi hibernation state, I don't actually sleep. I am still aware of every step I take, my weight distribution on my feet, the noises and voices around me as well as the direction which I'm moving.

Sleep marching's great. It makes the whole experience seem really dreamy. And I simply love this feeling even though it feels more like a nightmare in action. Another plus would be it greatly saves your energy.

But sleep marching has it's unexpected consequences too.

It was somewhere around 24km when Eugene, one of my bunk mate, called for me. I responded and walked over to join him but little did I expect to be given a tight smack on my arm as I started marching next to him. I was immediately jolted out of my semi-conscious state and confusion and a burst of sudden anger took over. Before I could find an explanation for what happened, my blood was already pumped with adrenaline and I had already given him a tight smack back on his arm and shouted angrily 'Why the fuck did you smack me for?'

Wrong decision.

The crowd around us all turned and looked at what was happening. Haha. I immediately realised what I had done and tried to dismiss the attention that was on us. And I learnt from Eugene that he was trying to wake me up cuz he saw me sleeping. I was still a bit angry and replied that I was enjoying myself sleep marching until his smack woke me up and disrupted my whole pace.

And I couldn't really sleep march again after the adrenaline rush. But with my mind clearer, I realised that actually sleep marching isn't the norm. >.< It was actually pretty dangerous for someone to fall asleep while marching and I did look like I fell asleep. I should be thanking Eugene instead of blaming him. Ah. The sudden realisation made me feel v malu. So I apologised. He accepted it with grace and told me that actually he fell asleep some time ago and almost tripped and fell. As a result, he had been going around waking people up to prevent the same thing from happening to them.

It was pretty much uneventful after that and we marched the remaining 6km for what seemed like eternity...

Friday
Right after the march was our POP (passing out parade) and after that, it was back to our company line.

Got my posting for my unit. I'm going to Nee Soon camp on 25th of May as a field engineer specialist cadet. And yep, block leave's from today all the way till 24th May! Woohoo!

Settled the usual admin stuff and booked out.

Dad sent me home and it was home sweet home again! =)

The rest are the usual stuff (cold shower,washing of clothes,sleeping!,eating,slacking).

Saturday
Lazing around, reading manga, playing games.

Sunday
Borrowed psp from choon yik to play. Turns out there're only 2 games and both are faulty.

Cycled to Jurong West Sports Hall for badminton outing! Woohoo! Those who came- Jiahao, jidan, son, huiqi, serene, huiping. Playing badminton with them was rather different from playing with my secondary school classmates. But I guess it was expected. Haha. As usual, jiahao never fails to amuse us with his silly stunts. And the girls were also zi-highing sometimes I think? Or maybe it's just cuz Serene's in a good mood. Haha.

Went for dinner at Jurong Point afterwards. Talked about who went which uni courses. And the highlight of the convo was really about fooling around with Son. Haha.

Monday
Slack. Help out with house work. Check mail.

Had a good talk with mom and dad though. It has been a long time since I've done that.

And that's about it.

From my Past,
To my Future

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Setting Off...

Yo. Just taking 5 minutes off to update what's happened these few days.

Argh. Dunno how to organise my thoughts. So here goes spam.

-This week's a slack week.
-Started wearing ear plugs on Monday cuz loud and high pitched noises annoy me.
-Went to the MO (Medical Officer) on Tuesday.
-MO said that my ear drum's still there, so there's nothing to worry about.
-Got excused from noisy environment for one week.
-I continued wearing my ear plugs and attracted lots of attention. >.<

And now I'm about to set off for my 28km graduation march. Tomorrow will be the passing out parade. A bit sad though, cuz there's nobody to watch the parade except for us.

Have to go now. Tata.

From my Past,
To my Future